07/29/02 1106 Manigan Avenue Oviedo, FL 32765 Nabokovs#1fan@earthlink.net Seminole County Board of Education 1168 Langford Boulevard Suite 228 Sanford, FL 32710 To Whom It May Concern:      I have a secret that I must divulge. It is a difficult confession for me to make, as doing so will inevitably result in weighty ramifications. It is information that once made public will undoubtedly prompt my colleagues to move for my resignation and could possibly be used as evidence against me in a court of law. I want to fuck teenage girls. While executing the duties inherent to my job title, I spend about fifty-five minutes of every hour fantasizing about doing just that. In my off time, it is the only thing I think about. The fantasies most often involve myself and four nude, athletically built, well-oiled, bisexual teenage females of various races engaged in a Bacchanalian game of twister.      Inevitably, upon reading this exegesis you will instinctively label me a pervert or something worse because of your blind adherence to modern social morays which dictate that it is immoral for an adult male to pursue "minors" as sex partners. As I always do when this topic is addressed, I will counter with my assertion that societal norms are tentative, hypocritical balderdash. A hundred years ago purchasing a teenage bride from her father was a perfectly acceptable practice. In the state of Florida, eighteen is the age of consent. In Georgia, it is sixteen. In Hawaii, fourteen. Clearly, laws meant to dictate and enforce morality are nothing more than the product of the dominant class or culture within a specific geography. That fact now having been established, I encourage society to begin allowing its daughters and sisters to rely on their own consciences for moral guidance.      Invariably, subsequent readers of this manifesto will regurgitate the antediluvian argument that minors are simply not emotionally or intellectually mature enough to "look out for themselves." In addition to being a gross, unsubstantiated generalization, this antebellum knee-jerk mentality does not pass muster when applied to other commonly occurring situations. For example: How can any society that dubs itself civilized allow a seventeen year-old girl to be tried as an adult in a court of law but not to allow her to be tea bagged by the man of her choosing? It is illogical if not downright asinine to suggest that a sixteen year-old girl is mature and responsible enough to operate a motor vehicle but not mature and responsible enough to receive my fist for sexual gratification.       Now allow me to address the myth that it is perverse for a male above the age of eighteen to be attracted to teenage females. When I was a teenager I wanted to fuck teenage girls, why wouldn't I now? Men are sexually attracted to women for a myriad of reasons including but not limited to breast and buttock size and shape, hair and skin color and texture, height, weight and facial features. The revelation that a girl's numerical age does not reflect her body's development does nothing to quell the involuntary biological process that begins when a man encounters an archetype of his ideal woman. Any man who would argue otherwise is a liar who would likely also contend that he has never passed gas in public or gotten an involuntary erection while defecating. There isn't a man alive who hasn't espied a physical specimen at the mall only to realize moments later that she is back-to-school clothes shopping with her mother. Is it perverse to appreciate bodies at the apex of their physical development? Of course not.      You are probably wondering what prompted me to write this letter. In March, I celebrated my fortieth birthday. From one day to the next I became acutely aware of the fact that the aging process has mercilessly taken its toll on my sex appeal. My students no longer see me as a potential sex partner, only as their balding biology teacher. Presently, when a teenage girl addresses me it is always as "Mister Looney" and only to ask me to repeat the directions to an assignment for the umpteenth time. Given the caliber of women that I meet within my social circle (chain-smoking, bitter divorcees, widowed, stretch marked mothers of three) I had begun praying to any deity who happened to be listening that a peaceful death would come quickly for me. I am ecstatic to report that I have since been rescued from the depths of depression by the promise of organized religion. Although I have not yet selected one specific religious persuasion to subscribe to, it is only a matter of time before my research leads me to the faith whose dogma is most compatible with my spiritual needs. My needs are few and most are flexible; the only non-negotiable tenet of the faith I select will be the belief that an exemplary existence in this lifetime guarantees reincarnation as a human being in the next yielding me another lifetime's worth of opportunities to fuck teenage girls. Pray for my success. Sincerely, Arthur A. Looney, Biology Instructor and Girl's Varsity Soccer Head Coach A. A. L. Enclosures: none