Kaiser's Kisser Tim Kaiser was the classic schoolyard bully, an overgrown ogre projecting his self-loathing on anyone smaller in stature. Tim was a mischief mastermind, as evidenced by his decision to strategically position himself on the opposite side of a picnic table before calling me the unholiest of unholies.
Whiskey Bend A few months ago I dropped by Burbank's Whiskey Bend bar for their open mike stand up show. The Bend was eerily reminiscent of a dozen bars in a dozen backwater burgs my comedic travels allowed me the displeasure of visiting. I hadn't been there more than an hour when I heard a heated, boisterous verbal exchange erupt. I turned to see the Loud Latino staring down a tattooed Irish tough who outweighed him by about thirty pounds (most of it muscle)... In the time it took me to pee, flush, wash my hands and walk to the door, Irish and his wingman caught up to their Latin counterparts in the parking lot. One member of the Caucasian Duo pulled a knife. One of the Hispanics pulled a gun and fired a round into the air in response.
I Got What I Paid For I hadn't been in LA an hour before realizing that I needed new headshots. The realtor on the billboard outside my studio had a sharper headshot than I did. I shopped around for weeks, but good shots were simply beyond my means. Her price was what sold me... I had every reason to anticipate dozens of great shots. What I got was anything but.... Weeks later I was having coffee with a fellow actor who asked if I knew any good photographers that worked cheap. My response became the content of this reading, minus numerous expletives.
Mark I met Mark at an open mike around town. One night I went to his place in Thousand Oaks to hang out with him and his roommates. The night before Mark and had been chatting with some chick online. The talk soon turned sexual. She offered herself to him and his roommate that night with two minor provisos: ONE: They had to pick her up and drop her off from her house in Redondo Beach. TWO: Muscular dystrophy had confined her to a wheelchair…
If You Love Chicken McNuggets You're Gonna Hate This The fryer stood about two inches off the ground... Once, on a dare, I shined a flashlight under it. There were dust bunnies, cobwebs, and a dead cockroach. One of my job duties was cooking chicken McNuggets. Inevitably, a few would fall to the floor. Rather than pick them up and throw them out I would kick them under the fryer. When I found myself a few nuggets short for an order, I would retrieve discards from under the fryer...
The Buck The strangest movement is afoot in society, when the shit hits the fan someone must be held responsible, anyone except the person responsible. It's big tobacco; it's something a child saw on T-V.
My Mother I love my mother, but I'm no longer accepting her calls. Every conversation is word-for-word the same negativity she put forth the last time we spoke.
A Radical Proposition I have a radical proposition: Abolish the 1 to 10 scale for rating females. Decades of lumping different faces, heights, builds, butts and breasts into one rigid rating system has left legions of women shortchanged.
My Own Religion I've decided to start my own religion. Not some fly-by-night cult, but my very own religion. Although my own cult - complete with psychotropic drugs and a harem of teenage wives - sounds incredibly cool, I'm hoping to establish something more long term, something that could still be around 2000 years from now. I‘ve even come up with a nifty name for my faith: Christianity, after yours truly.
Coffee

In my free time, especially after a grueling workday, there is nothing I like to do more than get high. Its scientific name is caffeine, but they call it Joe, mud, and java on the street... I visited my dealer shortly after 6PM on Friday evening. I took a seat at nearby table and waited for the drug to infiltrate my central nervous system...
El Camino: The Mark of No Distinction The following is a spoken word poetry piece I wrote celebrating the lower class Caucasian family unit

 

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